I Have A Real Problem With Febreze


It’s a typical day. I return to my apartment after a long day of work and once again, from the bathroom, the foul scent of fiber successfully doing it’s job comes prancing into my nostrils. Only it’s not alone. It’s holding hands with the newest scent in the Febreze lineup: Thai Dragon Fruit. Now rather than just smelling poop or just smelling thai dragon fruit, half of which might be pleasant, I’m smelling a rude combination of the two: shitbreze.

I went on the Febreze website this morning and at the bottom of the homepage it actually says, “Celebrate the new scent of Thai Dragon Fruit”. I’m sorry, what? What could there possibly be to celebrate. First of all, I’m thinking what the hell is dragon fruit because I’ve never gotten that mixed in with any diner fruit cup I ordered at Sunday brunch. So I pull up Wikipedia to see that it is a real fruit and it is, in fact, cultivated in Thailand. Initially I’m kind of excited about this finding, until I realize that if I ever get the chance to try it, I will think back to this moment and the inevitable accompaniment of poop with this supposedly “delicate aroma”. You’re probably saying to yourselves, “okay Meg so you would rather just smell shit??” The answer is YES. The way I see it, shit is gonna smell like shit no matter what. Why do we have to take something that smells good and mix it with the smell of shit? Now neither thing smells good, when we could have just let the good smelling thing keep on smelling good, independent of the shit smell. To me, this is exactly like coming to the conclusion that poop doesn’t taste good and then taking something that does taste good, like strawberries, and eating the two together. The shit is still gonna taste like shit, people!

Aside from failing to smell like anything a normal human being wants to smell, the underlying motivation of this product violates the value of simple hygiene. Take for example the commercial where the woman is running around getting ready for her inlaws to come to her house and her grubby husband is sitting in his recliner, marinating in some stench that is symbolized by superimposed lines of odor. But wait, they’re in luck, Febreze has a product specifically for this situation. It’s called Fabric Refresher. Red flags flying for anyone else? Wash the freakin’ chair? Or if it’s seriously that bad, maybe we should consider, oh, I don’t know, GETTING RID OF IT! I’m appalled. Like, hey cool I’m just never going to shower I’ll just spray some odor busting fragrance on myself and call it a day.

I’m sorry if these opinions are offensive to you Febreze fanatics out there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an avid perfume wearer. But I typically don’t smell like shit before applying my scent. My parents always taught me to address the root of the issue. Masking the problem isn’t a solution. That’s all I’m saying.

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