Parking In The City Is A Lot Like Dating: A 3 Person Job


Anyone who lives in a big city knows the triumphs and perils in the challenge of finding the perfect parking spot. Or just any-freakin-thing that resembles a parking spot for that matter. After a couple years now in Boston I have come to a profound conclusion: parking in the city is actually a lot like dating. Hands down, at the very least, a three person job.

There are a minimum of three crucial roles that must be fulfilled in any parking [or dating] situation. Initially, as you drive down a narrow street [travel the path of life] there’s the Parker [the bachelor(ette)] and the two Eyes [wing(wo)men]. The Parker frantically glances from side to side trying not to clip the cars on the street that is apparently designed for mopeds while the Eyes yell things at you like “there’s oneahhhhhhhitsafirehydrant” and “that person’s leavingggohhhhhhthatguysnaggedit”. This clearly parallels the dating scene as the bachelor(ette) carefully inches their way into a packed club that is apparently designed for a quarter of the actual amount of people admitted. The bachelor(ette) glances frantically around the club trying not to spill anyone’s drinks while the wing(wo)men yell things at you like “dayummmm look at herrrrneverminddddweirdteeththinggoingon” and “ohmygod he’s sooo cuteeeyikesherecomeshisgirlfriend”. You get the idea.

Once all three parties in the vehicle [situation] agree on a potential spot [love interest], each person from here on assumes their three more specific roles. The Parker becomes the Executor [bachelor(ette)] and the Eyes assume new roles. One being the Voice of (No)Reason and one, the Blueprint. Let me explain in a little more depth:

The Executor
This is the person who is actually behind the wheel. This person ultimately makes or breaks the outcome of any potential parking spot (love interest).

The Voice of (no)Reason
This is the wingman who supports the decision to park [date] wherever the final consensus has led the Executor. This person says things like, “you can definitely fit there”, “most of the car is in a legal spot”, “they can still get out if they back down the driveway at an angle”, “I doubt they do much ticketing after 9:00pm”, “there’s plenty of room between your car and the fire hydrant” and “we’re not even realistically going to be here that long”. This is the same person who, in dating situations says things like, “who cares if you’re polar opposites, it’s probably a good thing”, “it’s not like you have to marry them, you can just have some fun” and “you can at least get new mesh shorts out of the situation”.

The Blueprint
This person jumps out of the car while the Executor hovers next to the spot. They examine the signs posted on the street and try to decipher the cryptic messages and unclear arrows. After careful examination they either confirm or deny the potential success of this parking spot [love interest] in the form of an educated informed analysis. Once the decision has been made to go forth with the attempt at parking in this particular spot [dating this particular love interest] the Blueprint will help the Executor execute. You’ll find the Blueprint dashing in front of and behind the car, within eyeshot of the Executor’s rearview mirrors and yelling things like, “you’ve got plenty of room here”, “careful, careful”, “a little more”, “yup! stop! you’re good!” or “nah, you’re never gonna fit”. Slide over to the dating scene and the Blueprint is strategically telling the the bachelor(ette) how proceed. The Blueprint is going to say things like, “she’s a stage five clinger, get out while you still can”, “you’re obviously into it because he smacks his food while he chews and you don’t even care” and “keep your walls up and start off with away games only”.

So there you have it. A dose of parallel parking…and parallel dating. In both situations, there are WAY more failed attempts than success stories. Keep in mind, even if you get into a good spot, you’re likely to get scratches and dings on your bumpers.

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