32 Flavors and Then Some…


Stereotyping the wireless customer base of Harvard Square:

Now, no offense is intended here if you read these stereotypes and find that I’m actually describing you. I just think it’s important to point out the various categories of people I deal with on a day to day basis.
The Dramatic *sigh*er:
This customer is smiling and laughing with friends just moments before entering your store. Then, with the same speed and ease that Superman switches from an everyday civilian into a swooping mysterious caped hero, this customer, as they walk through the glass doors, suddenly turns on what I’ll refer to as “the *sigh*”. They *sigh* all the way up the ramp as they bee-line for the nearest concerned associate. They *sigh* as they tell their sob story. They *sigh* when they’re asked to check in and allow a couple minutes for someone to free up. They *sigh* as they re-tell their sob story. They *sigh* no matter what the outcome is of their visit. Then, they *sigh* on their way out of the store as they somberly mutter, “I’ll try” after you beg them to have a nice day. The glass doors shut and the Dramatic *sigh*er cheerfully jumps back into the flow of the Harvard Square scramble in search of the next retail store they can *sigh* in.

Sun Never Sets On A Badass:
You all know these customers. The dip shits who evidently skipped every single class that ever had anything to do with eye contact and being respectful to people you interact with in life. No, this little tid-bit of common courtesy got thrown to the wayside right along with taking your hat off at the dinner table and those cliche sayings like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ that don’t exist in this neck of the woods. These customers roll in, rain or shine, sunny or cloudy, daytime or night time, and are so unmistakably badass that they cannot be bothered to complete a strenuous task such as lifting their arm, bringing their hand towards the side of their face, putting their pointer finger and thumb around the frame of their shades in a pinching motion and remove their freaking sun glasses. Now, I’m not trying to be rude when I say this, but unless your name is Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder there is no reason for sunglasses indoors. Then again, why wouldn’t we expect this? These customers are best friends with the “Where’s The Check-in Station? Oh I Missed The Sign In Size 3,000 Font That Reads ‘Check-In'” customers.

Where’s The Check-In Station? Oh I Missed The Sign In Size 3,000 Font That Reads ‘Check-In’:
Yeah. Seriously. Just like it says.

Hmm. Well, first of all, hi! Welcome to the store! Now that that’s out of the way… I want to thank you. Mostly for the tremendous confidence you have abruptly invested in me. I see you’ve assumed I’m Rainman and can immediately and effortlessly retain anything pertaining to numbers. You’ve kindly pegged me as someone who, with no computer in front of me and no pen or even a scrap of paper in sight, is capable of recalling numbers. Most importantly, but not limited to, your personal cell phone number and all the numbers associated with your wireless account. So of course it’s natural to assume that upon hearing your cell phone number, I will retort without even looking up your account, information such as your account number, the balance of your bill and the number of text messages you did last month. Slow down there Torpedo, I’m only human. Thank you, come again.

I Work At Harvard And I… :
Appropriate endings to this sentence would be, “I work at Harvard and I… need to know where faculty parking is located” or “… would like to inquire about my benefits package” or “… need to rearrange my course schedule for next semester”. All of these sentences would be uttered on campus in some sort of administration building. Inappropriate endings to this sentence would include, “I work at Harvard and I… have a broken phone” or “… went over my minutes last month, is there a way to get the overage fees waived?” or “… am double parked and don’t have time to wait in line”. All of these statements, apparently, will be uttered in a wireless retail store. I’m failing to see the relation in the latter scenarios between the first and last parts of these sentences. Pondering the relation here leads to me picturing myself waltzing over to Harvard and saying things like, “I work at Verizon Wireless and I …need a one semester masters program, for free” or “… don’t have time to go to high school before attending your university”. Who’s with me?

Straight Off The Trail:
This customer rides all the way up to the front door, asks if they can lean their bike against the railing inside (after already taking the liberty to do so) and comes ripping into the store directly from the dusty path next to the river. They do not take their helmets off. They do not roll their pant leg down. They do not stop to catch their breath. They take a quick swig out of their Camelpack and they maintain that the sweat dripping out of their phone could not possibly be moisture damage. Hey, I’ve been wrong before…

The “I Have It Here Somewhere”er:
This customer smiles as they enter the store. Ahhh, a sight for sore eyes. But wait, a turn for the worse… As you greet this customer and inquire as to how you can be of service, this customer stops in their tracks, drops their satchel/backpack/purse/murse/etc to their lifted knee-shelf and immediately says “yeah, I uhhhh…….. so my phone uhhhhh……… i need ummmm…. well I have it here somewhereeeee…… ” They go on rifling through their things to locate their phantom phone, never actually finishing their sentence. They relocate to at least three different surfaces within the store to gain a better visual angle into their bag. They take off their jacket because now they’re all flustered and think they must have lost it on the T. Then, after all this commotion, they pull the phone out of the bag and announce that they need to add a text messaging bundle to their account. Yeah. That’s all. I’m just going to let that one sink in. See if you can figure out my issue with this scenario for yourselves.

The Incessant “It’s Not Working”er:
This customer bolts through the front door demanding immediate help because their phone isn’t working. When asked to check-in they shout across the sales floor that the check-in terminal isn’t working. While they wait, they try to use the bill payment machine, and it’s coincidently not working. When a technician shows them how to make their phone perform properly, they snatch it away, put in 110% effort to mirror the technicians instructions for all of .0000003 milliseconds and then affirmatively conclude, “it’s not working.”

There’s eight flavors for you to get a taste of my daily routine…

2 thoughts on “32 Flavors and Then Some…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s